Yes and No

A walk with my daughter

I love my life: my husband, my kids, my home, this area, my job. I have a million reasons to be happy, and I don’t take them for granted. But as much as I love my life and feel incredibly lucky to get to live it, I find myself staying awake at night cycling through outsized fears and trying to figure out ways to control the things I worry about that could be coming my way. Will I have enough money? What if someone gets sick? What could I have forgotten to do at work today? I had a conversation today with a new friend–why on earth did I say the things I said? She must think I’m an idiot, or an awful person. Am I an awful person? Does everyone know it but me?

No matter how much I remind myself of how much is good in my life, there is always something to fear, especially old things I thought I had already moved past.

I don’t expect all parts of life to be smooth. But when I’m in the cycle of worry and fear, the things that don’t truly matter to me take up outsized space in my mind. I can’t hear my son telling me about basketball over the voice in my head making contingency plans for something that will never happen. All the good things I want to do are crowded into corners while worry expands to fill the space. To live the life I want to live, the good life I know I really have, I have to figure out ways to say no to all these fears and yes to what helps me be in the moment, eyes open and paying attention.

Here are some ways I’m working to say no to fear.

I’m saying no to imagined judgements. When my fears take over, other people become giants in my mind. Their perceived criticisms or their opinions become outsized, squeezing out what I think and what’s important to me. I forget that they’re just people, who probably aren’t thinking so much about me, and even if they are, aren’t the judges and arbiters over me. We don’t all have to agree on everything, and I have to remind myself to let them just be people, regular sized, without all the extra room to grow in my mind.

I’m saying no to trying to be cool. This one is pretty hard, because I’m a lifelong nerd who definitely wants to be at least a little bit cool, even now. But trying to be cool just leads to my not talking about the things I genuinely like, and trying to pretend I know more than I do about whatever is currently in vogue (spoiler: I actually know nothing about whatever is currently in vogue). It’s not honest, and it doesn’t bring me into closer relationship with others. It also is just another thing to keep me up at night, feeling ashamed. None of this in any way helps me to live like I want to live.

I’m saying no to being dishonest about my limitations. This one is the hardest of all. I want to be your go-to girl, the person who can handle everything you throw at me, get everything done in a timely manner, and handle it all with lots of style. In reality, I’m tired of trying to get everything done. I don’t hear well, and I’m probably moving toward needing reading glasses. I get lost in my head and miss what people are saying to me. Even when I understand the assignment, I am more full of awkwardness than style. I want desperately to pretend that none of this is the case, that I can effortlessly please everyone. But that was never going to be a true or realistic story, and every day I’m prying my fingers off one of my limitations, trying to accept it and stop pretending it doesn’t exist.

Here are some ways I’m saying yes to the life I want to live, present to where I am now.

I’m saying yes to gratitude. I’m prone to “the gimmes,” but practicing gratitude keeps my eyes on what’s good about now and reminds me that I don’t really need whatever shiny new thing is beckoning with glittering tentacles. Gratitude keeps me from comparison and helps me to be happy for those I love when they have things that I want, or it feels like they’re playing the game of life better than I am. When I can remember to be grateful, I actually like my life and myself in it. Being grateful helps me locate and remember what truly matters to me. All of these things up my happiness and help me pay attention to the life I’m living.

I’m saying yes to boundaries. When I give other people unlimited access to me–even in my thoughts–I’m turning over the things I can control about my life to others. I’m learning to protect time for my family and time for myself without feeling guilty about it. Boundaries mean being clear on my priorities, and on letting the opinions of others slide. When I’m clear on where I draw the lines, I can give to others without taking away from what I need.

I’m saying yes to fun. Shauna Niequist says her phrase is “Buzz the beach,” and her family knows they are heading for the water to look for beauty and delight, a quick run on their way to other things. That resonates with me because I spend a lot of my life on the way to other things, but I want to make a conscious choice to pursue fun and to create it for those around me. Fun for me right now is a quiet night on the couch with my book, where I’m not worried or stressed and am just content. That’s a nice night, but I want more sheer delight and happiness, more laughter, more spontaneity, more cheer. Do I know how to create that? Not exactly, but I think the first step will be to stop holding so tightly to the burdens of everyone else’s feelings, of the potential judgment of other people. It’s going to take practice, but I want to say yes more often to fun.

My lists will, I’m sure, change over time, but I want to keep thinking about them and keep paying attention to what I need. I want to keep taking the temperature of my life and figuring out what I can release and be present with God and those I love in this one wild and beautiful life.

*Yes and no list inspired, as always, by the great Shauna Niequist in her book Present Over Perfect.